making a dent in the bucket list.....

so nina and i are on spring break this week.  and one of the things that i had hoped to do this week was work on an item from my bucket list for 2012. 

you will recall that the first item on the list was "clean out nina's old toy room and set up the extra bedroom furniture in it for guests - just in case."  with jeff out of town for the weekend at a bowling tourney - i thought it was a good time to ge started. 

now these pictures are going to be a little bit shocking.  i'm not very proud.  this is the room where all the barbies and petshops went to die over the years.  when nina would clean up her room she would take stuff downstairs to that room and toss it in and close the door.  with the door closed all the time - it was easily an out of site out of mind situation.  so i was a bit shocked when one day i peeked in for some reason and realize that it looked kinda like this:

i'm not proud.  please don't judge us.

so yesterday nina and i spent a couple of hours down there working.  but with only a few boxes and trash bags and a big rain storm that kept us from getting stuff out of the house - we didn't get as far as i would like.  and there was several moments of feeling extremely overwhelmed.  kinda like people on hoarders.  except without the rotting food and dead critters. 

so we sought the reinforcing help of a big trash can and nina's friend lucy.  in just four short hours - we saw this:

that's floor.  and carpet. 

we made three trips to the dumpster, and there's still some trash in the garage and in the big trash can that we'll have to get out to the dumpsters after they are emptied.  and i have five boxes and three trash bags to take to goodwill tomorrow.  but now it looks like this:

see how the door opens all the way?  and you can see floor??  and those boxes are full of stuff to sell in the garage sale that is also on my bucket list.  we aren't quite ready to move in the bedroom furniture yet - but this is such a step in the direction of crossing off the first item on my bucket list!!!

and here are my two sweaty helpers standing in the room:





i just ordered them pizza.  i think they earned it.  and i guess i will unground them for their recent report cards too......

true life conversations from the meyer house....

me:  i expected you to be in bed by now...

jeff:  i know.

me:  damn angry birds?

jeff:  something like that....

me:  i know you so well - i can read you like a magazine....

jeff:  a magazine??

me:  well yeah.  i don't think your complicated enough to be a book.  i mean  - it's not an insult.  it's not like i called you a short story...

jeff:  or a pamphlet? 

me:  or a brochure. 

jeff:  or a flyer?

me:  or an email.  or a status update.  or a tweet.  a whole person wrapped up in 140 characters.  so see, magazine is really quite a compliment....

this is not going to be the typically happy, funny, cheery post you expect from me - consider yourself warned....

this post will, however, be serious and passionate and from my heart.  it's something that has been on my mind A LOT recently for a lot of different reasons.  and so i finally feel that i have to say something....

for those who don't know - i have a a beautiful daughter:

she's smart, beautiful, talented, funny.  i couldn't ask for anything more from my mini me than everything nina is.  she's my world.  i love her.  and she's all i've got when it comes to kids.

for those of you who don't know - the fact that she's the only kid i've got - is not a choice. 

i cannot have any more kids.

the youngest of three kids, growing up, i thought it was god's law that a couple HAD TO HAVE a minimum of three kids.  in fact, i clearly remember being about 4 years old and telling a slightly older cousin who was the youngest of two siblings that he was obviously wrong about his mom not being able to give me a baby girl cousin closer to my age because she hadn't had three babies yet and everyone knew it was the law to have at least three.  so naturally growing up i always imagined that i would have at least three kids.

that dream started to fade when i was 16.  it was then that i was told by my endocrinologist that type one diabetics have very high risk pregnancies and that if i were lucky - i would have one child.  maybe two.  and all children had to be born before i turned 30.  i think for a long time my mom kinda blamed that doctor for putting me in a rush find a happily ever after. 

when i was 20 - i got pregnant and had nina.  it wasn't planned.  i wasn't married.  no one was happy about it.  and i got news for you - there are no cute pregnancy announcements when you are in that situation.  my pregnancy was very high risk.  i developed high blood pressure.  i spilled protein in my urine.  they thought i might do damage to my kidneys.  have you seen steel magnolias??  yeah.  my grandmother couldn't watch it in the last years of her life.  too close to home. 

nina was born 5 weeks premature.  i didn't have a baby shower.  i had a post baby being born shower.  and most of my friends didn't come.  and none of my daughter's paternal relatives showed up or celebrated it with their family. 

i spent a year undergoing constant 24 hour urine tests to assure that my kidneys weren't damaged.  i was lucky.  a perfect baby.  no kidney damage.  and then the bad news came.  i was told by doctors that if i were to get pregnant again - the risk of suffering all of the same complications was greater.  and the risk that those complications would be worse - was even greater.  the risk of leaving my child motherless - was even greater.  and as a result, it wasn't advised.

so at the age of 21 - my hopes and dreams of a happy family with lots of little siblings for nina - gone.  and when he and i split before i was 22 - i was certain that any dreams of a frame perfect family photo of mom, dad, and baby were out the window.

that - is a lot of information to take in before you can legally rent a car.

when jeff came into our lives, he knew the deal up front.  before we even dated.  he - surprisingly - was fine with it.  he said he would rather have me and nina than not have us at all.  it was then that i started to accept - that while happily ever after wasn't the storybook image i had at the age of four - it was still happily ever after.

i accepted it.  i made peace with it.  but damn it - that didn't mean it didn't hurt.  didn't mean it wasn't hard. 

i remember a time about 8 or 9 years ago where i sat in the bathroom at work sobbing because the woman who occupied the office next to me was pregnant, the woman in the corner office brought her newborn to work every day and used her secretary as a nanny, another coworker brought her new baby to work resulting in a game of "let's pass the baby around the office" and an online friend's wife was clearly the only woman who had ever been pregnant before.  i remember emailing jeff telling him i couldn't take it.

i didn't talk to a relative for over a month because she once said "when are you going to have a baby so i can get my baby fix" when i know she knew what i had been through.

i've been told so many times to get over it. 

and fyi - adoption is expensive.  i work in non profit.  i'm not rolling in the dough.

you never get over it.  you make peace with it.  you accept it.  you appreciate what you have.  but that doesn't mean that sometimes it doesn't still hurt.  it doesn't mean you don't still feel guilt because you can't give your beautiful daughter a beautiful baby sister to play with or your husband a son to give his own name to. 

i'm not going to lie.  i've asked three different endocrinologists over the years if the new developments in medicine would make it different.  the answer - "it might - but probably not."   

there have been times where i could not physically bring myself to go to a baby shower.

there have been times where i have walked the other way to avoid being asked "do you want to see the latest picture of my baby??" 

i'm better about it now. it helps that i have cute little bethel babies that i can squeeze and then send home.  i'm almost 35.  nina's 14.  starting over with another one now seems crazy. 

it gets easier.  but it never gets "not hard".

i don't expect you to understand.  the only ones who understand are those who have been there and experienced it themselves. 

the other night i told another one of my bestest friends who just learned her sister might not be able to have kids that there will come a time when she finds it hard to be around her nieces and nephews. it's not about her or them or that she doesn't love them. it's just...hard. just know that it's hard.

one of my bestest friends with fertility issues who had to take a 3 month sabatical from facebook because she would rather pluck her eyes out with pliers than read one more of post after post about "my baby kicked, laughed, farted, pooped, smiled, slept, etc." - i know she gets it. 

jeff gets it.

that's where i go when it gets hard.  and then i remember this:

it may not be that picture perfect image i had when i was four....

....but i still made out pretty good, didn't i?

seasons 52 - i think i heart you....will you be my valentine??

so yesterday we had a pre/post-walk event at the granfalloon on the plaza in KC.  i ate there once before.  lobster ravioli in a tomato vodka sauce.  to. die. for.

but we weren't having lobster ravioli in tomato vodka sauce.  we were serving pizza and mini brats and - um - nachos maybe?  i didn't get close enough to really look.  i made sure i stayed clear on the other side of the room. 

but our boss said we could go out to dinner after - since we never get to eat due to all the schmoozing our job requires....

when i told her that alex and i were trying to eat healthy - she suggested this place that was new on the plaza called seasons 52.  she ate there once and they have this philosophy about free-range, healthy meals.  and get this:

no single item as listed on their menu has more than 475 calories.  entrees - 475.  salads - 475.  cute little mini dessert shooters - 475.  it's AMAZING.  and the portions are nothing to cough at! 

i had this awesome cedar planked salmon that came with asparagus (that's right mom - i eat that now!) and carrots and a few little red potatoes.  so so so so yummy.  and not at all full of guilt.

and when the waiter - who was training to be a wine sommelier and gave us a mini education on which red wines had the best antioxidant whatnots and were thus healthiest which has all gone out of my head - brought around the tray of mini dessert shooters - i was not at all tempted by the Rocky road (aka MAJOR WEAKNESS) in a shot glass...

when one of the group suggested that the mini desserts couldn't be so bad, i talked all intelligently about how it's the tiny things that are totally misleading when it comes to calorie counting and that each one of those mini shooter options probably had between 200-300 calories....

when i got back to the hotel and looked up the webpage online - i was delighted to see the calorie counts listed and i was dead on with the dessert counts.

see?  if i focus - i'm totally on.....

in case you were wondering....

i survived my first day of travel and stayed in calorie limits!  yeah me!

this was my dinner. 

i hate leaving the hotel after i check in and it's weird to check in with a plate full of olive garden - so i went to panera. i intended to get a regular sized salad and cup of soup - but somehow that part of my order got lost in translation and they gave me a "you pick two". that was way less than what i was planning on - so i supplemented with a 100 calorie packet of cheez-its....

tomorrow's challenges:  hotel buffet breakfast (i DON'T want WAFFLES!) and dinner with my boss and coworker.......

damn you trader joes!

i don't remember this process being this hard when i went through it two years ago - but i seem to be having a tougher time this go round.  it could be that i'm under more stress than i was under then - i'm not sure.

i fell apart at least two days this week.  and downfall started with this:

that's right.  a nice healthy snack.  organic popcorn with olive oil.  my coworker bought a bag for a meeting she was having at work and talked about it's awesomeness.  and it is full of awesomeness.  it's uber crisp for starters.  and the olive oil flavor is so subtle.  and it doesn't even have a bad calorie count at 130 calories per every two cups.  

the problem is sticking to two cups.  three times this week i fell victim to "i'll just have a handful"... which lead to "one more handful won't hurt".  and then "okay this is the last handful."  then "no i MEAN IT THIS IS THE LAST HANDFUL." 

how do you track what turned into an uncountable number of handfuls?? 

combine that with a day where it took 2 hours and 8 minutes to drive my 13 mile commute to the office and i totally skipped two days of tracking....

and on top of that - on saturday, i dragged jeff over to trader joes (he may never forgive me or ever go again because trader joes on saturday is the equivalent to kids diving into a pinata candy pile).  i purchased six bags of the stuff (at $2 a piece - that's cheaper the okedoke!) 

but now i'm going to use measuring cups and try to control myself a little bit better.

in other news....

• we bought a new digital scale this week - easier to see when i've actually lost than trying to track the arrow on the dial...
• purchased the new complete weight watchers cookbook because my sparkpeople cookbook is lost somewhere in the STL postal system and i hate waiting...
• i'm apparently vitamin d deficient - this is ironic because when they checked it in august i was fine.  now that i'm in an office with a window and have more sun exposure - my levels have decreased.  back on the multi-vitamin with a vitamin d kicker for me...
• i face a MEGA big challenge this week.  my first business trip to KC.  ugh. 

the first pay off....

i weighed in four pounds lighter this morning than i did last week when i started.  i know it's all water weight and stuff and not a sign of a miracle - but i can still enjoy it......